I have had many regrets in my life.
If there was a road that had two paths, I'd take the one leading toward disaster. When it came to bad decisions I was a pro.
Times I don't regret were times that other people kept me on the right track. Left to my own devices I could be counted on to fuck up, sometimes in very exciting ways. And yet, despite all that, or possibly due to that, I made it to my 70th birthday this year, and might even squeeze out a few more.
I always knew the person inside me wasn't much like the person outside. I grew up in the 50s, when the role of a man was well defined. I took on all the clićhe trappings of a "real man". I smoked, I drank, I didn't cry and never backed down from a fight. Got my ass well kicked a few times but never backed down. Only my sense of humor kept me sane at times.
The person inside was an animal lover, a romantic, someone who, as a Catholic, aspired to be like Saint Francis. Inside I was soft, inside I wanted cooperation instead of confrontation. But because of that early indoctrination, I could never let that person out.
Now I'm at an age where I don't give a damn what people think about me. I'm a bisexual atheist who avoids conflict and chaos.
I was afraid to expose my fear. I've always been, or tried to be, an intellectual. I've been blessed with a critical approach to everything. And I've always loved a particular style of humor one that's hard to explain. I once wrote stories and screenplays that were fun, crazy, and madcap.
And the greatest regret of my life is that I didn't let the inner me out ages ago. It could have saved me so much grief.
Now it's too late to enjoy the life I could have lead. It's too late to find a loving partner, an outlet for my writing, any expectation except knowing that I'm going to die in the near future. I don't know what will kill me, but it has to be something. And I hope it's something weird. My best friend died a few years ago riding his bike in Provincetown, struck by a car.
I'm only writing this (not very humorous) confession is in hope that someone who reads it might need to know they aren't alone, that to live their authentic life is the greatest joy they'll ever know. I don't have kids, so I'm giving my fatherly advice to anyone who needs to hear it.
Laugh often, love every day, keep your child-like sense of wonder. Don't let the outside world cause you to hide the real you. And I hope you all reach my age or beyond with no regrets at all.
Jack
