Confession

 I have had many regrets in my life. 

If there was a road that had two paths, I'd take the one leading toward disaster. When it came to bad decisions I was a pro. 

Times I don't regret were times that other people kept me on the right track. Left to my own devices I could be counted on to fuck up, sometimes in very exciting ways. And yet, despite all that, or possibly due to that, I made it to my 70th birthday this year, and might even squeeze out a few more.

I always knew the person inside me wasn't much like the person outside. I grew up in the 50s, when the role of a man was well defined. I took on all the clićhe trappings of a "real man". I smoked, I drank, I didn't cry and never backed down from a fight. Got my ass well kicked a few times but never backed down. Only my sense of humor kept me sane at times.

The person inside was an animal lover, a romantic, someone who, as a Catholic, aspired to be like Saint Francis. Inside I was soft, inside I wanted cooperation instead of confrontation. But because of that early indoctrination, I could never let that person out.

Now I'm at an age where I don't give a damn what people think about me. I'm a bisexual atheist who avoids conflict and chaos.

I was afraid to expose my fear. I've always been, or tried to be, an intellectual. I've been blessed with a critical approach to everything. And I've always loved a particular style of humor one that's hard to explain. I once wrote stories and screenplays that were fun, crazy, and madcap. 

And the greatest regret of my life is that I didn't let the inner me out ages ago. It could have saved me so much grief. 

Now it's too late to enjoy the life I could have lead. It's too late to find a loving partner, an outlet for my writing, any expectation except knowing that I'm going to die in the near future. I don't know what will kill me, but it has to be something. And I hope it's something weird. My best friend died a few years ago riding his bike in Provincetown, struck by a car. 

I'm only writing this (not very humorous) confession is in hope that someone who reads it might need to know they aren't alone, that to live their authentic life is the greatest joy they'll ever know. I don't have kids, so I'm giving my fatherly advice to anyone who needs to hear it.

Laugh often, love every day, keep your child-like sense of wonder. Don't let the outside world cause you to hide the real you. And I hope you all reach my age or beyond with no regrets at all.

Jack

Possible side effects may include...

 I miss the Colbert Show. I miss Prescott Pharmaceuticals.

Here’s a list of some of the best side effects. And below, some of the funnier “Cheating Death” segments (starting with the first one where Colbert can’t keep a straight face, a rarity for him):

Hepatitis C++
Phantom Hand Syndrome
Vivid dreams of self-cannibalism
An inability to breathe on weekends
Bad humors
Chicken fingers
Oxford coma
Ukraine in the membrane
Atomic fireballs
Sleep waltzing
Night terriers
Creamed corneas
Stubble vision
Idris elbow
Male pattern Baldwin
Search and seizures
Hipster dysplasia
Highballs
Bud Light lime disease
Mathlete’s foot
Involuntary jowel movements
Abra cadaver
Brain whistle
Ice-splosions
Capillary yogurt
Abdominal salad shooters
REO Speedlung
Nostril inversion
Pituitary ferns
Skeletal xylophoning
Teriyaki lung
Elevated heart weight
Chinese firebones
Restless torso syndrome
Mild Hulk-ism
Minor heart explosions
Late-onset albinism

The Doctor Visit

Doctor: Are you incontinent?

Me: Oh yes, I have been since Covid.

Dr: You had Covid?

Me: No, it's just with all the travel restrictions I never left North America.

Do you swear?

"Do you swear the testimony you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?" (OK, that's the old form...play along with me here)


First off, your honor, the Bible is a book of proverbs and mythology. I can't believe any reasonable person thinks some god is going to swoop down from his cloud and strike me dead if I do lie.

Both Nixon and Bush swore on a Bible they'd defend the Constitution of the United States and neither of them did. I don't recall any divine retribution in their cases. How many people are currently in prison for perjury? How many have been charged? Has any god taken action against them?


My testimony is the truth only as far as I know it. I don't claim to have an objective viewpoint that allows me to observe reality free of the bias of my experiences and mental abilities. Maybe I'm not even aware of the truth of this matter but only think I am. I can't say that everything I give testimony to is going to be the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I'm only human. I get confused, my memory isn't perfect, I'm a bit intimidated just being here, treated like some authority on the facts when I know I'm not. So I can only promise on my word (and since none of you really know me, how comforting is that?) that I'll relate what I think I remember. Perhaps I'll lie without meaning to. I'm not perfect. It's quite possible that what I remember regarding this case is so far from reality that it will only detract from the court's desire to uncover what really happened here.


You know, your honor, perhaps it's best that I just don't testify at all. I don't believe in your god, so the only fear you can put in my mind is the fear of going to jail for perjury, and with the economy the way it is at least there I'd get some sleep and regular meals. I might even have the opportunity to have sexual relations again. It's been quite a while, your honor.


Further, I have no idea if what I think I remember is the truth or even remotely related to the truth. I'd sure hate for anyone to take my testimony for the whole truth, whatever that is. At best it would be my imperfect recollection of events that may or may not have any relation to this case. It would be unfair and sadden me to have someone convicted based on my personal perception of reality.


My statement is all I can really be sure of in this matter. Can I go now, your honor?

Googlfied

(Reposted from October 2007)

In the next few years, after Google buys up Microsoft and Intel, and owns a controlling amount of stock of the internet, they'll want their piece of the real world. Real estate, literally. So somewhere in the mid-West will blossom Googleville, a beta community. I, of course, will be among the first in line to apply for residence. Landscaping be damned, we'll all be in our lovely Googlehomes, sitting in front of our GoogleMachines computers with broadband access via our Google ISP, 24 hours a day. Blooging this, gmailing that, searching for even more entertainment. Once a week I'll trek down to GoogleMart for my supplies, maintaining my net connection with my Googleberry device. On the way back I'll stop to fill the tank of my Googlemobile at GoogleGas, then hurry back home to surf/blog/email/search some more.


Soon I'll be at Mecca, Google headquarters, heaven on Earth. I shall bathe in Googloodness. I shall feast on Googlisms. I shall share my dream of the future and secure my place in it. I will be reborn as BetaBoy©, a registered Google property.


Behold, I am Googlfied.

No Snickering: That Road Sign Means Something Else

In the scale of embarrassing place names, Crapstone ranks pretty high.

But Britain is full of them. Some are mostly amusing, like Ugley, Essex; East Breast, in western Scotland; North Piddle, in Worcestershire; and Spanker Lane, in Derbyshire.

Others evoke images that may conflict with residents’ efforts to appear dignified when, for example, applying for jobs.

These include Crotch Crescent, Oxford; Titty Ho, Northamptonshire; Wetwang, East Yorkshire; Slutshole Lane, Norfolk; and Thong, Kent. And, in a country that delights in lavatory humor, particularly if the word “bottom” is involved, there is Pratts Bottom, in Kent, doubly cursed because “prat” is slang for buffoon.

As for Penistone, a thriving South Yorkshire town, just stop that sophomoric snickering.

“Sniggering at double entendres is a loved and time-honored tradition in this country,” Carol Midgley wrote in The Times of London. Ed Hurst, a co-author, with Rob Bailey, of “Rude Britain” and “Rude UK,” which list arguably offensive place names — some so arguably offensive that, unfortunately, they cannot be printed here — said that many such communities were established hundreds of years ago and that their names were not rude at the time.

“Place names and street names are full of history and culture, and it’s only because language has evolved over the centuries that they’ve wound up sounding rude,” Mr. Hurst said in an interview.

How to confuse an idiot

35 Rules for Good Writers

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used unless you don't want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.